boyfriends - Dr Bill Coleman

Boyfriends or Buddies? Knowing the difference.

How do you know if you are in a boyfriend or buddy relationship?

There is probably no other topic that has been written about so much over the last few thousand years as love has. Still, songs, TV shows, movies, and books all relate back to love and relationships. Yet love and relationships are still very confusing. What is love anyway?

It’s a difficult and personal question with many different kinds of complex layers. Can you really love chocolate ice cream? Maybe this is not love, but just a way of expressing great enjoyment of the delicious frozen dessert. You may love your family, but likely the feelings are different than loving your boyfriend.

Love and relationships are very confusing. How do you know if you are in a boyfriend or buddy relationship? For some guys, their buddy is their boyfriend. There is a difference in the feelings between two guys who are buddies compared to the relationship between two guys who are in love. Gay guys know that having sex doesn’t mean you’re automatically boyfriends. Buddies can have sex together but still just be buddies, just as equally as two boyfriends could also be buddies. It is important to understand these differences of being buddies and loving boyfriends when it comes to relationships.

Guys who spend years in a loving relationship at some point become best friends. They are no longer boyfriends, but they spend a great deal of time together, talking about very personal issues, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings. But they are just buddies now. Something has changed. It’s not that their caring for each other and how important they are for one another. Heteronormative society does not recognize these types of caring relationships.

What is the difference between buddies and boyfriends? Both buddies and loving boyfriends care about each other, are supportive, and will do almost anything for them. There would be a tremendous loss if the relationship ended, with pain and suffering.

But guys who are in love have something special, that is different from buddies. They give themselves to their boyfriend. There is vulnerability and not being in control. They respect and trust each other, and value that special gift. Vulnerability and trust means that they are equal, without one or the other in more control, and that they are living with constant risk of loss, as well as the joy of being accepted, valued, and respected each and every day.

Being vulnerable is scary and freeing. Feeling important enough to your boyfriend, and to be trusted with him opening up in your hands is a natural kind of endorphin or high that comes with love.

It’s not uncommon for one guy to be looking for a buddy and his boyfriend is looking for a relationship where they are both vulnerable. This ends up being a frustrating situation for both guys, especially the one who is looking for more than just being buddies.

Some guys cannot live with being in a vulnerable, loving relationship. These kinds of guys do better with finding a buddy who they can share their lives with. Many guys will try, but when they get scared of getting hurt or are rejected, they react badly and make it difficult to have that loving relationship with.

There is no one right way to structure a boyfriend relationship. Buddies work. Being in a relationship works. Or a combination of buddies and being in a loving relationship with a few guys. They are all possibilities. They key is that relationships must work for everyone involved and be supportive of growth. Guys need to know that if they can accept being themselves and freely trust each other, then they will have a long, strong, enjoyable relationship together

– See more at: http://www.thehomoculture.com/author/billcoleman/#sthash.izn6gr3H.gWdkW4Vv.dpuf

Gay Relationships, What works?

Communication is the key to a relationship

There is no doubt, relationships take a lot of work. Having a partner you like and care about, it shouldn’t be a lot work to pay attention to what he has to say. When it is work to be around your partner, then there is a problem. It’s time to talk openly about your feelings and listen to what each other have to say.

The part of communication that is often missed is learning how to listen. Listening to what your partner has to say and understanding their feelings is really important. People think that they are listening, but most people are really not good at it. People hear what they want to hear, or what they expect to hear. Listening takes skills and much more attention than talking.

When your partner is talking, you need to act like they are the most important person in the world, and that everything they have to say is important. When you both feel heard and understood, it brings couples closer together.

When listening, you need to clear your own thoughts and focus on what your partner is telling you. Don’t think about what you are going to say next. Think about the message behind the words. To make sure you are understanding what your partner is telling you, paraphrase back to them what you believe they are saying.

It’s also important to respond to what you are hearing by relating back and giving your own feedback. It is acceptable to respond with:

This sounds important to you.
It bugs you when I…
You would like to do…

The attempt to show you understand what is being told to you will result in further explanation; so you can both clearly know what the situation is, and how to come to a resolution.

If what your partner is telling you is not important to you, then it could be a signal that your relationship is in trouble.

Another part of communication is delivering the full message. If you suggest to your partner to go away for the weekend, it’s better to give them all your thoughts and feeling around the trip, the purpose, why it’s important to you, and what you hope to get out of it as a result. When you explain the whole message, your partner can have a better understanding of your expectations and why you are suggesting the trip.

It’s not uncommon for people to get right to the point and to leave out how they have reached their own conclusion. The thought process is important to share with your partner. You should assume that your partner likes you, wants to understand you as much as possible, and that they want a deeper understanding of your main message.

Communication is simple. Remember to not interrupt when the other person is speaking, and stop what you are doing so you can pay full attention.

Growing and developing a relationship shouldn’t be difficult. Always be honest. Don’t lie or protect them from information you feel that your partner may not want to know. When couples keep secrets from each other, it adds a barrier and a separation. Dealing with difficult subjects should be a priority; not ignoring them, hoping they will go away.

– See more at: http://www.thehomoculture.com/author/billcoleman/#sthash.izn6gr3H.fdaDSKhW.dpuf

Tag Archive: boyfriends

Boyfriends or Buddies? Knowing the difference.

Gay Relationships, What works?